No path

(From the Archive of writings from 2009-2011)

There is no path to liberation, because there is no ‘one’ to follow a path. It can though, sometimes appear as if there is a process of disillusionment that precedes the end of the sense of separation. In this particular case, there seemed to be a series of realisations which involved ‘seeing through’ some assumptions about the nature of reality, yet the sense of personal self and volition remained essentially untouched. Towards the end, there was an understanding that liberation was the end of any sense of volition and that, theoretically at least, there was never really any personal control of anything. But it still felt as if there was, including the sense that it was also possible to actively ‘let go’ and ‘allow’ spontaneity. Even though it seemed to be understood intellectually, and at times experientially, the illusion was still firmly in place. 

Actually, the thought of there really being no volition, no control, no personal self at all, felt really scary. I used to imagine that liberation would happen sometime in the future, when I had sorted out some undefined personal things that I wanted to do, and that then it would be ok to ‘surrender to life’ and whatever chaos this might bring, given that I would no longer be in control of anything. In a way it seemed like contemplating death. The loss of something that seemed absolutely fundamental was unimaginable and not something that any sane person would ever choose. How could I choose to destroy myself? It would be suicide. 

Life with a sense of separation seemed more and more meaningless and unsatisfactory. Eventually there was a sort of relentless turning inward towards the perpetually evasive sense of separate self, which suddenly seemed to pop or dissolve. I’m not sure that it had actually ‘become weaker’ or been ‘coming and going’ at all during what I’m calling the apparent process, even though there had been all sorts of experiences of altered perception and spontaneity. In hindsight, it just seemed to be something that was taken for granted, that obviously seemed to be the way that it was, and then suddenly it wasn’t, and had obviously always been an illusion with no real substance.

Life is both ordinary and amazing. Amazingly ordinary. In the simplicity of seeing that nothing should, or could, be in any way different to the way it seems to be right now, there is a profound relaxation. Life lives itself timelessly, as it always has done. Whatever seems to happen, happens, including all the responses of this apparent organism. There can seem to be a continuation of some of the constricted habits and responses learnt through belief in a sense of separation, and sometimes some of these can seem to be seen through and drop away. But nobody is doing it; it is all just doing itself. There had been a fear of losing myself, but that self was seen to be just a phantom. The struggles of apparent separation are seen to be entirely unnecessary and misconceived. When it is obvious that there is no separate self, it is also obvious that there is nothing else that is, or could possibly be, separate. Instead we are left as our true nature, real Self, the still silent nothingness behind everything, that includes everything, is everything. Peaceful, delightful, simple. Unconditional love.